i have been somewhat “stalled out,” trying to think of starting point for a month of daily posts. in the spirit of writing what you know, i thought maybe i would talk a little bit about me.
so why did typing the previous sentence made me feel so self-conscious? why would i blog if i wasn’t interested in putting myself out there for people to see and know? perhaps i am not leery of being seen, but rather cautious about being seen wanting to be seen. that is something to think about.
i guess this is a safe place to admit that i am often torn between wanting to fly under the radar, and wanting everyone to look at me, look at me! i was ready to bust out with a quick explanation of why, but the longer i think about it, the more complex it all seems to be.
is this a learned behavior? it is true, that as a southern lady, i have been imbued with an obsession with manners, an abhorrence for rudeness, and the knowledge that it is never appropriate to make a spectacle of oneself. of course this doesn’t mean that all women below the mason dixon line are, or even should be, shrinking violets. but my personality has always been much more wallflower than life of the party.
despite being reserved and a little shy, there are things about me that i really want people to notice. my intelligence for one thing, and my competence at my job. the nice thing is that these are already things i believe about myself, i just want other people to give me a little pat on the back from time to time.
there is a whole other category of things i would like to believe about myself, but haven’t quite convinced my brain and my heart that they are true. this is something i am working through with my therapist, so no one needs to worry about me.
does anyone else ever think about how they would most like to be described by other people? like: “there goes phrogmom. wow, she is really smart and creative, plus she really seems like she has her act together!” or maybe: “you know, for a person having no dance training whatsoever, phrogmom is really naturally graceful and coordinated!”
would anyone be willing to share how they would most like to be described by others?