you guys might have noticed that i have been more scarce than usual the last months. it is mostly because i spend most of my time away from a computer, and i can’t really type a blog post on my phone. but it is also because i have really been struggling…emotionally? mentally? i am not sure how to label it.
i feel weird blogging about it, or talking about it (even if i had a live person to talk to) because in lot of ways i am incredibly lucky and a part of me feels like i don’t have the right to complain. i have two amazing boys and a husband i love and respect. i have parents and in-laws that are willing to pitch in financially to help us send the boys to private school in austin that can really help them. i have a nice car, a decent house, and all of us are pretty healthy.
nonetheless, I am struggling. Somehow the driving (4 hours a day or more) and the waiting and the feeling of spending hours with no place to be has left me feeling completely unmoored. I feel almost paralyzed by the waiting, I feel completely powerless.
The sitting, the waiting and the stress has caused me to regain the 15 lbs I lost, and it feels monumental. I look at myself, and I feel like a nasty blob of failure.
I am intensely frustrated by the squirm’s school, that has been making us wait and wait and wait and see if he will be accepted for the fall. At this point it is going to be really difficult to find another good option if they turn us down. He lost a year already while floundering at the public school. I can’t bear the thought of him losing another. Plus, not knowing where everyone will be in the fall has us all in a holding pattern so that no decisions can be made about moving, or other options that could make the situation more palatable.
I know that the squirm is going to be heartbroken if he can’t return. He loves it there. And his first friend. The idea of them ripping all that away from him makes me feel like my inner hulk is coming out. You won’t like me when I’m angry.
I changed my medication. Those folks who have to live with being on medications know that leaving one anti-depressant for another can be grueling. The withdrawal involved in getting on one is long, intense and somewhat debilitating. After 5 weeks of slooooow weaning, I am still occasionally dizzy.
If that is not enough, you have the shiny new side-effects from your new prescription. And is it working? Right now I am an emotionally volatile mess and it’s not good.
I don’t think I have gone around the bend though, I have a few things I am looking forward to. I’ll have mr p to help me with the driving this summer. The school is supposed to give us an answer by June 13 (which could unleash a whole fresh batch of problems, but I am hoping not).
I am hanging on, but excuse me if I am not my best self these days.