fear and self loathing in texas

you guys might have noticed that i have been more scarce than usual the last months.  it is mostly because i spend most of my time away from a computer, and i can’t really type a blog post on my phone.  but it is also because i have really been struggling…emotionally?  mentally?  i am not sure how to label it.


i would say i am oscillating between a 6 and a 10

i feel weird blogging about it, or talking about it (even if i had a live person to talk to) because in lot of ways i am incredibly lucky and a part of me feels like i don’t have the right to complain.  i have two amazing boys and a husband i love and respect.  i have parents and in-laws that are willing to pitch in financially to help us send the boys to private school in austin that can really help them.  i have a nice car, a decent house, and all of us are pretty healthy.

nonetheless, I am struggling. Somehow the driving (4 hours a day or more) and the waiting and the feeling of spending hours with no place to be has left me feeling completely unmoored. I feel almost paralyzed by the waiting, I feel completely powerless.

The sitting, the waiting and the stress has caused me to regain the 15 lbs I lost, and it feels monumental. I look at myself, and I feel like a nasty blob of failure.

I am intensely frustrated by the squirm’s school, that has been making us wait and wait and wait and see if he will be accepted for the fall. At this point it is going to be really difficult to find another good option if they turn us down. He lost a year already while floundering at the public school. I can’t bear the thought of him losing another. Plus, not knowing where everyone will be in the fall has us all in a holding pattern so that no decisions can be made about moving, or other options that could make the situation more palatable.3373585-hulk

I know that the squirm is going to be heartbroken if he can’t return. He loves it there. And his first friend. The idea of them ripping all that away from him makes me feel like my inner hulk is coming out. You won’t like me when I’m angry.

I changed my medication. Those folks who have to live with being on medications know that leaving one anti-depressant for another can be grueling. The withdrawal involved in getting on one is long, intense and somewhat debilitating. After 5 weeks of slooooow weaning, I am still occasionally dizzy.

If that is not enough, you have the shiny new side-effects from your new prescription. And is it working? Right now I am an emotionally volatile mess and it’s not good.

I don’t think I have gone around the bend though, I have a few things I am looking forward to. I’ll have mr p to help me with the driving this summer. The school is supposed to give us an answer by June 13 (which could unleash a whole fresh batch of problems, but I am hoping not).

I am hanging on, but excuse me if I am not my best self these days.


About phrogmom

kind of eccentric artsy type raising two boys in texas.
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11 Responses to fear and self loathing in texas

  1. NotAPunkRocker says:

    ((Hugs)) to you, Phroggy phriend. I hope things start to turn around soon.

  2. *hugs* I have noticed you not being around so much ( though I usually read your post in my email instead of visiting the blog itself… I’m kinda lazy ) cos of all the blogs I’ve signed up for yours is the only one I still read.
    I’m sorry to hear you’re struggling. It’s why I haven’t posted in months myself. Depression and feeling disconnected and unsure of the future is just so damn draining.. and whilst I’d love to be able to say something that would make everything better I just don’t have the words. But rest assured you literally have people around the world rooting for you and your family, so hang in there xxxx

    • phrogmom says:

      reading this made me cry! i have missed reading your blog. somehow, through our slight connecting, i have always considered you a kindred spirit.

  3. jesskawrites says:

    *hugs* I’m not sure anyone would have the ‘right’ to complain if there was some kind of rang list. Thankfully though, I’m pretty sure it’s not a competition, so if you feel rough, then that’s the way it is. It’s okay – not good, no one’s gunna be glad about feeling rotten, but it’s allowed and sometimes might even be necessary. (Hey, trees lose all their leaves in winter because it’s so dark and cold and wintery

    I hope things brighten up for you soon.

  4. jesskawrites says:

    Argh.. phone comments are difficult

  5. jesskawrites says:

    …wintery, but they grow new ones as soon as it cheers up. The trees look awful if you plant them in a place with no winter (like oak trees in South Africa) where they have no chance of losing them.

  6. Hang in there. Sometimes I use the wait time to listen to what I call “teaching tapes.” I use my phone, but at one time I had my MP3 and I had an eccentric variety of music, religious, science and now I have added my new business audios and nursing things. They keep my over-active brain occupied while I do the mundane stuff like exercising, cleaning house or driving and waiting. I found it helps me redeem that wasted time.

  7. El Guapo says:

    You shouldn’t ever feel bad about getting your problems off your chest.
    It’s not a competition – regardless of what else you have, or others don’t, whatever is bothering you is as valid as anyone else’s problems.

  8. tree girl says:

    The waiting, and hoping…

    it’s excruciating!

    You just want things to be better NOW, so you can move forward, instead of dancing this crazy dance. All of this uncertanty can’t be good for your mental health.

    Remember that you can use the Empathy Hotline on FaceBook whenever you need to

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